The Idea of my Existence

What is it worth? I keep asking myself over and over again. Why does it matter? Why do I have to get the grades? Then, what? At some point it just seems useless. I’m being defined by many factors and elements that I don’t understand. Education is just an idea that means nothing. What is this stupid loop that I see myself stuck in? I needed to do more. I needed to understand myself; get a grasp of a reason to my existence. I tell myself I’m living for my homeland, to fight for it; to one day give it back what I owe her. But do I owe her anything??

My classmates in school would bully me. I’d go to my usual desk, left back corner of the class, and on the walls I see drawings of an Israeli flag and Zionist icons. It was their way to tell me that my homeland is a joke. The IDEA of a homeland is a joke. And I thought hard and hard…maybe they’re right?! What’s a homeland? What does it mean to be Watani (Nationalist)? It’s just an idea. I don’t know if it matters. I thought hard, but it’s not that. It’s not about the homeland; it’s not about being Watani. I don’t what it is. I had to discover it myself. post

Through the next 5 years, I would seek to explore what does it mean to be attached to Palestine. What are these emotions and that passion that stir inside me. The best way to dig deep and explore these emotions was to explore them through constant relationships with other human beings. I broke many hearts in the process, not because I wanted to; it’s simply because I had no choice. Every time I would get in touch with these deep emotions, it doesn’t last for long. It fades like it never existed, like an idea. JUST an idea. But I saw these people around, in relationships, in love. Love birds sitting all around the campus. Building dreams and making promises. AND KEEPING them. But then I figured…

If I couldn’t understand how these two “love birds” connected, how they felt about each other, then no-one would understand how I feel about her. It’s just pointless to convince anyone, or respond to their stupid, rhetorical, sarcastic, mockery questions. Just ignore it, and go on, until it fades. But I ask myself, would it fade? And if it did, what remains from my existence? The way I feel is the idea of my existence, if I loose it, I loose my existence. So I have to nourish it, and hope that it will never fade away.

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10 thoughts on “The Idea of my Existence

  1. Loving ourselves is the start towards being lovable and loving. We are our ancestors, so it means loving them, too. It doesn’t mean we need to continue ways that served them once yet don’t apply in our lives today. Just love.

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  2. Keep on nourishing it, you have a connection. It’s in your heart.
    Being bullied is nothing to do with you, it’s more about the bullies themselves. They are deeply unhappy with aspects of their lives. It took me a long time to recognise that.
    Accept the apology you never got, it’s easier than holding a grudge and it allows you to move forwards with your life. 😉

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  3. Hi judeledawieh. Never got the meaning of love sure mine was lust. Two ex-wives! Now happy alone writing is a passion that keeps me alive and sane! Thank you so much for liking my poem “Mountain!” Peace and Best Wishes. the Foureyed Poet.

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  4. Hi judeledawieh. I have all my life wondered why am I here? Never found the answer! Writing my simple poems keeps me going observing this crazy and dangerous society where the few create mayhem and misery for the many! People from all nations surely are the same its those in power that make the divisions! So I go on searching for my purpose! Thank you for liking my poem “Death!” This is one thing we all succumb to one day no matter who you are! Peace and Best Wishes. #TheFoureyedPoet.

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