The first level of any game is always the easiest. The meet up, gathering and interaction. This game made him nice, friendly and a bit different from ones around. One talk after another, one handshake after another and I realized the start of it…
It didn’t take long to wake up to the next level of the game. I never understood what kind of roller coaster game I was in, it took sometime to realize the horrible ride. Did he plan it or was it going with the flow? He was good till I realized the change so I wanted off, but how? Screaming in a loud crowded place is never really effective. My mind was rushing with thoughts on how to jump off this ride but hurt was my only outcome. The speed was stronger than I expected; with the lost track of time I suddenly realized two, three or more years have passed since I have been on that ride
Today I try to use words and describe that roller coaster ride to anyone willing to listen. I was never able to express that level easily. I stutter in thoughts not in words. I fail to express each time fearing my late realization would get in the way. What if I was thought of as fragile or a breakable object? I know I’m not. I refuse to break so I express..
Until this moment I have realized my great concern and fear that roller coaster game would start all over again. I find it difficult to leave home when thinking your car might still be parked around the corner in wait. Or maybe that you still follow my footprints to where I go. Perhaps the reminders of your existence every once in a while is not allowing to ease my worry. I no longer long for opening the gate to allow anyone in. I’m skeptical towards all, doubtful to trust. You easily climb the walls of my dreams as if they were your own, I no longer have my peaceful nights. You did better work than any GPS with family members. I remember my blood rushing through my veins once my eyes were opened to see my home, the street I walk in and the car I ride on daily basis in one photo album awaiting my wake up in the morning. Pushing away my friends under a word of threat to keep them away is indescribable. Your hacks and threats served you well.. it was already too late to understand behind what reason I was being abandoned by many. Or perhaps, why I was “too much to handle or deal with”.
But..I’m in control now.