The Idea of my Existence

What is it worth? I keep asking myself over and over again. Why does it matter? Why do I have to get the grades? Then, what? At some point it just seems useless. I’m being defined by many factors and elements that I don’t understand. Education is just an idea that means nothing. What is this stupid loop that I see myself stuck in? I needed to do more. I needed to understand myself; get a grasp of a reason to my existence. I tell myself I’m living for my homeland, to fight for it; to one day give it back what I owe her. But do I owe her anything??

My classmates in school would bully me. I’d go to my usual desk, left back corner of the class, and on the walls I see drawings of an Israeli flag and Zionist icons. It was their way to tell me that my homeland is a joke. The IDEA of a homeland is a joke. And I thought hard and hard…maybe they’re right?! What’s a homeland? What does it mean to be Watani (Nationalist)? It’s just an idea. I don’t know if it matters. I thought hard, but it’s not that. It’s not about the homeland; it’s not about being Watani. I don’t what it is. I had to discover it myself. 

Through the next 5 years, I would seek to explore what does it mean to be attached to Palestine. What are these emotions and that passion that stir inside me. The best way to dig deep and explore these emotions was to explore them through constant relationships with other human beings. I broke many hearts in the process, not because I wanted to; it’s simply because I had no choice. Every time I would get in touch with these deep emotions, it doesn’t last for long. It fades like it never existed, like an idea. JUST an idea. But I saw these people around, in relationships, in love. Love birds sitting all around the campus. Building dreams and making promises. AND KEEPING them. But then I figured…

If I couldn’t understand how these two “love birds” connected, how they felt about each other, then no-one would understand how I feel about her. It’s just pointless to convince anyone, or respond to their stupid, rhetorical, sarcastic, mockery questions. Just ignore it, and go on, until it fades. But I ask myself, would it fade? And if it did, what remains from my existence? The way I feel is the idea of my existence, if I loose it, I loose my existence. So I have to nourish it, and hope that it will never fade away.