My Father Killed Me

I was abused by my father a long time ago. the day to my physical abuse was the last day of cheer for me; I got  home from school happy because I was announced to be student of the year and rewarded by a stone statue holding my name. When I arrived, I heard  loud painful screams from a very long distance. I thought it was from the kids in the neighborhood. I opened a door that I wish I never opened;  I saw my father physically abusing my mother , her face was a pond of blood. I honestly thought my father was helping her from an injury or so. I was devastated to see my mother in such way; I shouted and cried intensively that my eyes were a fountain of tears . My father’s reaction was to curse and beat me as he started with my mother. My father; a caring father turning to a monstrous figure before my next blink! I aggressively pushed him from my mother as he started pulling my hair and threw me off balance to the ground.  The next episode I played the lead of his next victim of abuse; a broken arm and a bloody skin.

12335959_10205234639888685_2004090933_n

My mother’s soul was shouting, I could hear her! I felt her pain, the monster continued his game of abuse as I pushed him away again from beating her. He decided for round two on me; his belt was the slave’s punishment. Again, he cursed, hit and locked me in the bathroom to continue his abuse on my mother. Minutes after, the door was opened by my crying mother apologizing for what has been done. I threw myself in her arms and poured my river on her till we both dried out. My monster father felt the guilt afterwards and asked to return home. Losing the love and respect by my mother to my monstrous father was our way out; refusing to be a servant, an abused wife and a scared mother.  Refusing misery was our ticket out. Yet, this ticket gave me hatred and lack of trust towards men. My hatred was growing bigger everyday as it  killed me and my joyful soul. From student of the year to a no student record; I became  aggressive in mind and action; a different soul I gained. Suicide and abandonment were the ultimate solutions I had but my mother was my priority, taking my father’s life was another option; but that would restrain my freedom as I become his  second version.  We were abused, where to go? whose willing to help?  My last thought said: I live until he dies; I celebrate, and my mother gains self comfort. I’m angered to see young girls with Utopian parenting lifestyle, or children complaining about their fathers for things that don’t matter. Not everyone appreciates the gifts in their hands!  I lost trust, care and notion of love. I cannot guarantee that I won’t be abused by a new monster; abusing me and my children is not a life I seek!

Life is a matter of a ticking clock for me. 

Advertisements

51 thoughts on “My Father Killed Me

  1. Even though this sounds tragic but it still is a nice piece of writing. Keep going!
    PS- Hope it is not a personal story…Just saying!

    Like

    1. It’s a tragic to also learn it’s a true story for someone! However; aside from this tragic fact, I’m thankful for your comment and your pleasent opinion for my writing! Thank you for taking time to read.

      Like

  2. I grew up with an abusive father – emotional, physical, sexual abuse to all seven of his children and of course our mother as well, in one or several forms. I, too grew up ‘hating’ men. Of course I didn’t know how that was playing out until I was much older. And yes, I made my mistakes. But you know, I never attracted a man who ever tried to hurt me that way – I think they knew I would have killed them before submitting to it. Instead, I found weak men, crazy men, emotionally distant men – until my current husband of over 20 years. He redeemed them all. But it has been a lot of work on both our parts. It was as difficult for me to trust as it has been for him to deal with a lifetime of my suppressed rage. WAY better now. Very good, in fact. And by the way, over the years I realized just how damaged my father was and have developed some compassion for him, in spite of all he did. This does Not excuse what he did, however. And this came after his death. So you never know. A person like that usually is automatically repeating what was done to them. Wishing you peace.

    Like

      1. Aww, thanks so much for your kindness. On one hand, it’s ancient history – I’m in my 60’s. On the other hand, it’s as close as a memory. I chose to learn and grow from it, and it hasn’t been easy. But my point in commenting is that things Can change. We Can learn. We Can love and be loved. In my experience, it’s all about not giving my power away to the past. And as I’ve often said to those who know me, if I chose a family to be born in and if I wanted the fast track to learning all I could in this life, I surely picked the right place and time for that opportunity. Still, I wouldn’t re-live it, nor would I wish it on anyone. Still, I’ve learned SO much. And have been able to help so many people, as a result. (I counseled people for 30 years.) Be at peace, and Aloha from Hawaii 😉

        Like

      2. They say time heals everything. It’s your courage that allows the time to give you peace and harmony to you tragic past. I’m very pleased to know how you are well and making good choices in your life and not letting such past take the goods of the future. Keep helping other with this great courage you have I’m sure you are benifiting many! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. That is tragic. I’m terribly sorry for what happened with you! However; I can understand that you had moved on and did not let this tragic phase take over and steal the joyful years ahead you had. You seem to have peace and serenity with your memories as well as a happy life! I’m pleased for that. Thank you for sharing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Your story could be thought off as fiction, but yet, many families have dark secrets and shamful pasts that they hope to one day disappear. If we allow ourselves to open our hearts to the rest of the world, life would be a horrifying place to live in. Good job my dear.👏🏼 Keep in touch✌🏻

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m be glad to say its not mine but for someone who finally believed expressing would give some peace and a step forward, to astray from horrific behaviors and give chances. It’s very tragic to learn about such stories that you believe they don’t surround you but in are distant places.
        Thank for checking our ny blog and your comment! Definitely 🙂

        Like

    1. I absolutely agree in this and we all shall as well. It’s empowering to commit such abusive acts on women and children. Raging out on them is a pessimistic feature and only steals away manhood!

      Like

    1. The story is not mine but for someone who lived through this tragedy and pain. I’m pleased to know people from all over are standing with strangers who suffer from such conditions and willing to offer supper even through words. Time is the best healer if we surrender to it for it.
      I appreciate your comment and caring words.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I wish for that as well! It is never an easy task but a very challenging one. It is unfortunate and never understandable. You can never comprehend the reasons behind such behavior regardless of what connections they may have with one another,

        Liked by 1 person

  3. This is such a sad story but unfortunately it happens in many of the families. The right thing is not to keep calm but speak up and not remain a victim. There would be many people around who could help.

    Like

  4. Once trust is lost, it is very difficult to trust again.
    Traveling through life, it is difficulty to truly love others, when always wondering ‘what if.’
    In the back of the mind, there is always the thought……What if it happens again……

    Like

    1. Sorry for the late reply! I’m glad to share people’s stories to express and relase some sorrow hidden within and in return receiving such positivity and encouragement from other bloggers it’s a huge motivation to carry on . Thank you for your kind words I appreciate it.

      Like

  5. This is one tragic story that several can relate, but never take the risk to tell people because of fear or judgement. It is like a scene from a movie but sadly it’s a part of someones reality. This is a well written piece. Keep going.(:

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! And yes absolutely! One shouldn’t be very attached to people’s thoughts and judgments and must have the courage to face hardships and painful experiences in any form he/she pleases.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s